Closure

You hear people talk about closure. Since I am a borderline control freak, I go around closing everything - closets, drawers, handbags. But how do you close a relationship?

One thing you can be sure of, is that it takes two people who have a vested interest in wanting to close things. Two people who are honest and kind and willing to let the other half of the relationship have some peace of mind. It's basically the quintessential humanitarian gesture. Anyone who harbors any real resentment, jealousy or superiority probably won't be able to do it. Because frankly, even those who think they are above it all, tend to like to punish someone who has hurt them. What better way, than to withold the closing of things, depriving them of feeling less guilty?

But let's face it. Holding out on closure is a phyrric victory. And it takes so much energy to be angry at someone, that I think it is therapeutically wise to go for the closure thing. Which is why I did it.

Now there were many pragmatists who feel it was an empty gesture. Things that happen in the past aren't worth being rehashed. If you meet one of those people, run like the wind, because they are probably in desparate need of closure. Besides being giant asses.

But my story is not about a giant ass, although it could be, because I know at least one. Rather it is about a bonafide, honest to goodness, textbook story of closure.

Fourteen years ago I fell madly in love with someone. Someone who had been a trusted friend. If at first it seemed like the world stood still, it quickly started to rock violently once all the injured parties entered the room. I could give you the details, but quite honestly, I don't have the energy to dig it all up again. Suffice to say we both had never wanted anything so much and for so long and it wasn't meant to be. So it ended.

Sometimes the emotions are so raw you really can't bear a face-to-face. I think that is what happened with us. That and the threats of significant others. I would say wife, but to this day I do not think of him as married. Rather detained.

When you don't have closure, and you need it, you are always waiting for it. Maybe the anniversary of the day you declared your love. Maybe your birthday, maybe Christmas - heck that is a time for forgiveness. But the holidays came and went for me, often bittersweet.

There is a scene in "The Age of Innocence", at the end, where Daniel Day Lewis - once madly in love with the Michelle Pfeiffer character, opts not to go see her, after his wife's death. His reasoning was very Victorian and odd to me. It was because he was "old-fashioned". Something in the back of mind rebelled from that logic. I knew I would never be old-fashioned, once I got the nerve.

Now what alligned the stars, what gave me the courage, I have no idea, but one day before, yet another birthday - 14 had gone by, I sent the text message that gave me the closure I needed. It's wonderful now that business men have Blackberrys. You can reach them anytime, anywhere. And so I sent a simple message that said double dare you. It started out as "dare you", but a dear friend quickly made me realize that we had to "up" the ante. So "double dare" it was and he quickly responded.

The details don't really matter - oddly. What matters is that we met and he got the opportunity to apologize and I got the opportunity to accept his apology. It was not happy, it was not joyous. It was sad and painful and never was I more aware of how much he cared for me and how much I missed him. Earlier in the week a non-believer of closure had mentioned that we could never be friends because of his ties. Not entirely accurate. We can never be friends because that would never be enough.

A week later I am still processing it. His last words to me, were that he was even more confused. I know it doesn't sound like closure. But it is.

It's my birthday! Here's what I really want.

Better Days

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

Goo Goo Dolls

Birthday List

I figure the best way to get volume to my blog will be to list all the things that I want for my birthday, as I believe that will be huge on everyone's "to do" list this week.

Black Dolce & Gabbana dress - size 4 or 6, which I realize is the new size 14. It has classic lines and a leopard silk lining. I think it's spring 2007 and saw a 38 (size 2) in the couture section of rich TJ Maxx in Radnor. Tried to squeeze into it, but hopeless.

Any Chanel handbag. Surprise me as I can't seem to make up my mind which one I want.

Any Chanel boots. Surprise me but I am leaning toward over-the-knee black quilted.

Silver Manolo Blahniks. Like the ones that Carrie had ripped off at Tatum O'Neals house. Size 7.5.

A text message from Matthew MacFayden would be awesome.

Ok - that's it for now.

Date.com - I must be crazy.

Sooner or later curiousity gets the best of you. You see the commercials, you read the wedding pages in the New York Times and you say - hey - it worked for them, what are you waiting for? Happiness is right around the corner. That dream date/man/match is just a click away.

Or so I thought.

Date.coms are more funny than fun. You screen through countless men and their cheesy lines. Guys who seem to be either players or played out. You have the guys that post with their dogs - now don't get me wrong, I like dogs, but give me a break, the guys with cats - always a turn on. One guy even posed with a monkey. Ok, I'll give him points for bravery. Some guys are with their kids - I guess that is supposed to be a
clue that they are great fathers - but putting your kids on the internet?? Others pose with the same shirt on in different positions - clearly clueless.

Their explanations are amusing. They are all sincere, energetic, athletic and spontaneous. A rare combination in the real world, but in the virtual world I guess you can be whoever you want to be. And you need to shoot high, because not one that I met had an accurate tape measure.

No matter what range you keyed in as a preference - you get them all. Hot twenty-six year olds - not sure what I would do with that. I even got a message from a 76 year old.

Some messages are plain-out erotic. Some guys just dull. All persistent.

If someone actually breaks through the menagerie - you work up the courage to meet them. Trust me, they never look like their photo. That's probably just the nature of the beast. Probably some guys have thought I was a troll. But it's tough sitting through a first date, when they obviously like you and the whole time you are thinking - dream date/man/match a click away? Yeah right.

Sometimes you actually start to connect with someone, but don't think just because they are "online" to meet someone, it's a lock. Date.coms come with the same bag of tricks that you will find in the real world. I suspect the odds are actually about the same of hooking up with a kook. Which incidently is a specialty of mine - which is what led me to date.com in the first place.

So in summary, it's a crap shoot. Just like everything else in life. I still would like to believe that meeting someone is as easy as going shopping for shoes. Because after all, that is what you are doing. Shopping for a date. All I can say is you better keep your receipt.

The blog and why it is.

I have been blogging since April. Blogging is like smoking cigarettes only healthier.

At some point in the day, you want a break, you need an escape, so you go find your fix. If you are lucky, you happen upon a blog supported by a group of people whose life experiences start to really matter to you. That's what happened to me.

I don't remember the exact day, but I do remember why I started. I was watching a reality show and someone who I thought was pretty phenomenal was voted off. The finality bothered me. I wanted to know more, hear more, so naturally I did what any normal and curious person would do, I googled him. From there I wandered on to the "blog" and it changed my life. Sounds rather dramatic, doesn't it?

But it's true.

If you find the right blog, you get to talk with people from all over the world. Generally, you have a common interest - the blog host. But a good blog achieves a life of its' own. You share experiences - good or bad, and find support and wisdom.

I'm not sure what percentage of the world actively blogs. I can tell you in my circle - no one does. So I have become a freakish anomaly. And for that reason I decided to start my own.

So that's the story. More to come.